The most common problem I find in couples counseling or partners, spouses or fiance’s or the boyfriend/girlfriend is that each one in their relationships are trying to get their perception, their reality on the relationship heard and understood but cannot. And they work themselves into oblivion trying to get the other one to hear them and understand their emotions and validate their reality and they fail miserably and end up in emotional bankruptcy.
It’s kind of like two people sitting at two different campfires and one is saying to the other, “come over here and feel the heat on this campfire.” and the other person says “no!” You come over here to my campfire and the other says “no, you come over here.” and both are trying to get understood and cannot. This happens session after session with couples who come in. It’s so common but there is a way out.
Q. In your experience what is the way out?
Okay, when the couple or the spouses or the fiance’s or the boyfriend and girlfriend are beating their heads on a pole in emotional gridlock, in psychological bankruptcy, the best way out is, of course, through counseling, or a third party mediator.
Someone who could sit with them and advocate for each one’s perceptions. It’s like My wife and I… my wife will tell me what needs to happen or how it needs to happen when it needs to happen and she’ll tell me literally the truth of how it needs to be and I won’t hear her. Then somebody else will walk by and say the same thing she said. I’ll be like, “great idea,” and she just says, “you knucklehead I’ve been telling you that for years.”
And I’ll have to say truthfully, “Oh, you have, haven’t you.” But for some reason that I can’t explain we often just don’t or can’t hear our spouse, or what their needs are, or what their direction is with their hopes or what their feelings are. But with the mediator you can get somebody to advocate for you and get the education on how important it is, to not get understood, but rather to emphasize giving and understanding the other persons’ needs. .
One therapist I heard of said humorously, “You can be right, or you can be married, you choose.”
So, this is not about getting understood, it’s not about getting even your emotional needs met. It’s about giving understanding, and giving, or validating their perception. Giving them their truth, validating, sitting in it, even if you’re the bad guy. This remedy is not for the faint of heart. And, this is important, for those who are willing to do the work, there is relief.